I’ve had a lot of happy moments in my life and can’t compare any of those stories. neither can i rate which moment i liked less or more. every happy moment i have had in life so far have been special in their own way. not too long ago, i experienced happiness because of someone i knew for a short period of time. this same person also had me at my most angry moment at another time we associated with each other. this happiness came with potential trouble and a lot of other emotional and physical feelings that lingered even after saying bye. having those feelings for this person was at a level i have never experienced before. because of certain circumstances, i planned to forget these feelings eventually and move on with the rest of life. these feelings were so strong that it felt dangerous for me to ever see him again without telling him how i feel.
but, i’ll get to the part later.
i don’t know how to explain everything without sounding cheesy so i apologize in advance.
things were innocent. this person was my new boss and from the first day we met, i thought he was a cool person. he introduced himself to me and from the very beginning, he had a friendly personality. i worked for him for a while and for the most part, i enjoyed my job because he was forgiving and accommodating when it came to mistakes and was open to any questions i had on the job. i looked forward to work knowing that my boss wasn’t going to unreasonably punish me for my mistakes and he even made work fun at times. i also had a great manager who exhibited tough love and humor. in a short period of time, i met people in the workplace i never thought i’d meet: a caring boss and a caring manager. It’s rare to point to your boss and say “he’s like an older brother to me”. yes, i saw him as an older brother because he would always give wise life advice, make jokes, and a lot of the conversations we had were interesting.
the thing is, i came to respect him as an individual and did enjoy his presence as an individual but after a while, i struggled to respect him as my boss. for a few reasons, our work styles were different and it was a challenge for me to accept certain differences. knowing that we had become tight as individuals, made it challenging for me to confront him about anything work related. i postponed having this talk with him and would eventually forget this problem existed until… he pissed me off in the same way again. when it finally came time to confront him, things did not go well at all. i was originally suppose to work another two months before my last day at this job but ended up quitting earlier than i was suppose to.
it was easy for me to quit early because i was moving in two months anyway. for a month, i didn’t work. i spent this month spending time alone, spending more quality time with my parents, and getting prepared for my move to another state.
i eventually realized how inconsiderate i was in the way i quit and confronted him so i sent him an apology email a month later. a few weeks later, i got a message from my former manager to ask me how i was doing. i was also told that i was welcome to get my old job back anytime. However, i was moving to another state in a week but informed her that i would love to help out at work for a week.
the next day, i went back to work. i worked with my manager that day. my first day back was a lot of fun and we got to do a lot of catching up. later on, my boss came. we talked and hugged things out. i don’t remember our full conversation but to make it short, he was very accepting even after what i did that previous month and just made me feel at home again..
“i missed you.”
“i was worried about you.”
those were some of his words. although, he meant it in a brotherly way, something about it made me feel emotionally confused. but, i eventually forgot about it later in the week.
my boss and manager were aware that i was moving to another state soon so as a celebration, they decided to treat me to a night of fun.
so the following week was my first time hanging out with them outside of work. dinner was full of laughter, good time’s, good conversation’s, and good food.
as the night went on, my boss and i were bonding and having fun. at the time, i tried to just think clean thoughts but the way he touched me and talked to me throughout the night had me emotionally confused. at one point, i started getting turned on by his touch and everything else he was doing that night. he was a lot of fun to hang out with. (yes, this is where some of the explicit details start). that night, i thought i was having these feelings just because i was stoned and tipsy so i chose not to mention anything or make any moves. i also chose not to drink a lot knowing that i’d end up making a stupid move. at the end of the night i said my goodbye to my manager because that was my last time to see her before I moved.
after this night, i had two more days left to work for him. it was just me and my boss for the next two days. i went back to work as if things were normal but in the back of my mind, i started growing a crush on my boss. again, i didn’t think too much of it because i knew i was going to move in two days anyway. i just thought its an innocent crush i’ll get over by the time i move to my new destination.
fast forward to a month later. i settled down in another state and started my new life here. however, he has popped up in my mind more than i expected. i also started having a lot of dreams about him. to be honest, these dreams were mostly centered around sex with him. at another point i felt like i had fallen in love with him. strong but that is how confused i must have been about my feelings. i just knew i felt something more than an “innocent” crush on him.
i now realize that the reason i was so confused is because he was the first person i’ve been attracted to both physically and emotionally. in the past, my attraction for other men have been mostly physical. even though my thoughts involving him were sexual i also had moments where i actually wondered if he was okay or “i wonder what he’s doing now.”.
looking back to the first moment i met him, we had a lot of great conversations together. even if those moments were platonic and just on a friendly level, i fell for him in the end. i’ve learned how to condition certain feelings so much that i had to ask myself if i’ve had a crush on him all this time but just didn’t want to admit it..
i eventually emailed him telling him how i felt and the things that have been on my mind regarding my feelings. because of circumstances i choose not to mention on here, i had to make that my goodbye to him. i wrote him mostly for my own benefit but if i had never brought this up, i’d still think about it often. i am indeed a selfish human being but a part of my mind has been set free.
i’m also walking away from this situation knowing that we never got ourselves into any inappropriate situations (okay, besides me being turned on by him but that is ABSOLUTELY it). it takes a lot of discipline to have this much self-control and boy, was it hard.
looking back at those months, i now realize there are a lot of ways i still need to grow up and well, i guess you can say i got in touch with emotions AND feelings i’ve kept in the back of my mind for a while. i miss him and hope he’s doing well. the few months i got to be around him were happy moments and are moments i will remember.
thank you for being in my life even if it was a short period of time.